Anxiety: The Hidden Hurdle

This one I will begin on a very personal note. Often it takes that unseen perspective to generate the “AHA” moment. When it comes to neurodivergence, diagnoses can often be the same with such vast presentations. So l will start close to home, to showcase exactly this.

Behind the professional, the educator or the content I create, is a family. A family with several children who fall within some of the many diagnoses I explore to better understand and tailor my support offerings. My experiences and drive for what I do stems from my desire to help my own neurodivergent brood.

Every so often, a shared diagnosis that we sometimes forget about pops its head out.

Anxiety.

As I have explored my own anxiousness, and watched my boys, I have noticed how Anxiety with ADHD can be so different from Anxiety with ASD/AuDHD.

In My Household, This Is What We Experience:

The undiagnosed:

I have always struggled to feel as though I fit in. In my youth I came across as outgoing and gregarious, but only in certain circles. Comfortable circles. Places where I could hide in plain sight. In school I was average, never once did I believe I was capable of more. I always needed to know the plans before leaving the house for young adult adventures and I was always considering worst case scenarios. Until as an adult I learned I had undiagnosed ADHD and that the anxiety I experienced, especially socially, could be due to the untreated ADHD and accompanying Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. While medicated for my ADHD social anxiety is diminished. However, anxiousness still lives under the surface. I avoid speaking to people I don't know over the phone. I struggle to visit new places like doctors offices without a support person.

My anxiety fills my mind with “what ifs”

• What if they dont like me
• What if Im not doing enough
• What if they dont understand what I mean
• What if I screw up my kids
• What if I die, how would they cope

And each “what if” is accompanied by an internal dialogue of how potential scenarios may play out which further feed the hidden fear and self doubt. It is a mental effort I cannot afford to spend on “what if” but often cannot stop, leaving me mentally fatigued more often than not.

ADHD Anxiety:

This is a gifted and empathic boy who seeks out connection and just wants to have fun.

He is always on. Always moving. Always talking. Always playing. Always on a mission.

His body never finds rest. He is my most anxious and could you blame him? Imagine if you couldn't quiet your mind and your body was always, ALWAYS in on the action. Hyper-vigilant, always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Sensory seeking, sensory avoidant, constant dysregulation. I would be knackered too. (Spoiler alert: he takes after me. I'm exhausted.)

He is my fight or flight kiddo. Sometimes, we never know what we’re going to get.

Some days: The wrong tone will send him running in tears.

Other days: Just a sideways look from his sister results in a kickboxing match that needs to be broken up.

Withdrawn fearful whimpers or aggressive loud outbursts. When anxiety takes its toll and we don't catch it soon, it's difficult to pull him from this place of chaos. He resists our attempts to co-regulate at first, but eventually, we make headway. Some days, it can take hours of back and forth though.

His avoidance of tasks or people is often a result of his own “what if” system. “What if I get something wrong” “What if they say no” “What if he gets angry with me”.

ASD/AuDHD Anxiety:

With an imagination and intellect I am often in awe of, this is my gentle kiddo.

He is inattentive and distracted.

He moves slower than his brother, but his mind? It's scattered between galaxies.

Bits and pieces here or there, never in the same place at the same time (now wouldn’t that make anyone anxious). He often misses bits and pieces of what's happening around him. So much so that suddenly there is no order, or he doesn't expect what comes next, and everything is too much, all at once.

He gets stuck.

He melts down, trying to rewind events, perseverating on small details.

Sometimes this freeze response is replaced with fawn. He’s not a fan of confrontation, much like his mother. In moments of anxiety, he’ll do whatever it takes to make an exchange end. To appease his "adversaries"… who are usually mom or dad trying to model an appropriate way of communicating or guide him through a difficult task.

His difficulty in regulating his tone results in hurried, disrespectful-sounding phrases. Which other grown ups take issue with. But, much like his brother, he feels deeply too.

The difference?

He won’t hide it.

He seeks out co-regulation.

He looks for squeezes and shows you how broken he feels so that you can help put him back together.

To an Outsider…

My family may look like a pair of tired and slacking adults herding cats.

Undisciplined, small persons running underfoot, only thinking about themselves.

In Reality…

We are a pair of tired adults sometimes masking our own anxiety while our kids do the best they can with the tools they currently have. Even if they lose their marbles in the shopping centre all at the same time. 😅

Exhibit A- On a recent shopping trip the youngest (a toddler) screamed persistently because he wanted something. After holding our boundary, he just couldn't get regulated. The looks of horror we got while dad just held the loud lump, and I wandered off with the other three kids who can’t watch where they’re going.

Maybe the little guy was also anxious.

All of those faces in the store giving him disapproving looks when he got upset… how uncomfortable that must have been for him.

Here’s the Thing:

I can't muzzle my kids for the sake of the neighbors (that's a story for another day).

I can't punish feelings.

I can't force happiness.

And surprise, surprise… I can't hit the anxiety out of them.

And No, It’s Not Because:

I just don't want to.

I’m a permissive parent.

It’s Because of Science.

The same way I approach my students and clients, with science backed research, studies, and knowledge about how kids' brains grow and develop, is how I parent my kids.

By considering where each child is developmentally, along with their diagnoses and personalities, I will get as many appropriate tools into their tool belts as I can. It’s hard work, and I often fall short. (I mean, we are outnumbered at this point 🫣)

Our Kids Deserve More Than Just Ignorant Onlookers.

They deserve compassionate caregivers.

They deserve trained teachers.

They deserve empathetic ears to hear all their anxieties.

Strong, unwavering arms that hold boundaries and carry burdens.

All of us with anxiety deserve to be seen and understood. In part 2 of Anxiety: The Hidden Hurdle, I will explore the science behind anxiety, what it may look like at home, in school and at work and how we can show up to support our anxious co-stars in life.